An Embrace for My Fellow Widows and Widowers

I rarely use the words,  “I know how you feel.” Especially in grief, because no grief is the same for anyone. I know what I feel and how I’ve felt.  That is my truth.

Grief hurts, it hurts, and it takes you to places that you never would have thought were possible. It drives you in tight squeezes in your emotional state that in your years of life, you didn’t even know were possible!

Emotional weeping from vaults of our heart where vulnerability, despair, loneliness, fear, uncertainty, and helplessness are buried.  Many packets over a lifetime never identified as “present” during the teacher’s attendance.  The self-searching only to be found out in the unpacking  that grief assesses.

The depths and mirrors of who are you, are all different for all of us.  HELLO for the obvious! Brothers and sisters of the Widowhood we are learning the lessons real time.

But I will say with real honesty, that you're not alone in the lessons.  Grief is rich in its student body and poor in its satisfaction.

The nature of grief’s gut-wrenching peaks and valleys is so awakening.  Awakening in all the wrong and embarrassing moments that emotional drive-byes bring.  No spraying of bullets – but the wreckage and carnage can be just as real.

The incisions of grief are more meticulous and insidious than death by a thousand cuts.  I will tell you, that many people want to help. (Some can and some won’t)  You discern what family, friends, co-workers you trust and let in to mercifully fall within the depths of your path of pain. They can’t do the work that only is left to your heart, but they can help. 

Be careful closing yourself off in the magnitude of this earthquake to stay STUCK or adding more loneliness to the wake of what’s already there. The spirit of loneliness is real, and you can feed it to your detriment, or you can slowly starve it by living.

I’m no grief counselor but they did have great free wisdom at least during griefshare.org.  Drink, Eat, Exercise and Rest (DEER).  I have to tell you for the first few weeks of being on life’s autopilot,  I literally got up, thanked GOD, and said DEER.  One foot in front of the other.

My fresh air and basic DEER care was enough to help me maneuver to move from being totally upside down.  In hindsight, the physical, emotional, and spiritual exercise helped regain so much of my mental health.

Someone recently came to me and said, I heard you say you lost your husband, but I looked at you and I ….blah.. blah, blah.  Beginning, middle and end of the tale was you looked together, it was hard to believe. 

Well world readers - -I don’t regularly go outside with my pajamas on and my teeth unbrushed even if I’m going through the worst pain of my existence.  Note to self – that’s a good philosophy. Widows and widowers still look normal for the most part on the outside…it’s the inside that’s unseen by humans that’s breaking apart.

There is no magic pill, no one size fits all scripture, no one time melody to take you through this cave.  Psalm 23 speaks to a valley, but dammit there are a lot of caves in the valley.  I do have a great walking companion and HE forgives my tongue and my attitude as we pass through until the sunlight hits my face.  I’m starting to feel the sunlight’s warmth again.

Feeling something other than sorrow and loss, is a blast when it eventually comes. Eventually is a long freaking word to experience. Sincerely, I know my loved one, as your loved ones, would want me and you to know GOD and  continue with our purpose which includes joy and happiness.

I decided to write something now, because it was last night that I again heard from another person about him having not one, but 3 new widows on his block.  He described them each in varying stages of their loss and how each wanted to talk with him. 

He explained some tinge of jealousy from his long-time spouse, who didn’t appreciate why these women didn’t talk with her instead of her husband.  That statement may have more to do with the answer for why no interest in speaking to her.  Back on point.  Widows and Widowers are used to baring our souls to the one we lost and not to closed and cold-hearted people.  If you want to help be open and warm.

There are all kinds of predators for those who are vulnerable for the norm, and this is not normal. Widows and Widowers in this club have to be extra careful and protective of an already broken heart.  If you happen to be one of the people that someone in the W-Club open up to… be kind, be prayerful and be supportive. 

A sister in the LORD gave me a few months after the death, a Christmas card with a cut out of a reading called “Good Grief.” {Author unknown to me.} My initial thoughts on the title you can "only" imagine.

Because she had lost her husband and young son, I paused with my thoughts.  I said within myself, if she found the words valuable enough knowing her own journey, then I would seriously reflect on them too.  So every few weeks I read the statement below that I keep on my desk. It reads:

GOOD GRIEF

There's no easy way to say goodbye to a loved one. But if you can rise to the challenge with openness, awareness, wit, and Grace you may discover that Death can bring an often rich, something strange, always profound new dimension new to life.

I have come to the place in this realm of time where I have dimensions new to my life. I am still here. My spouse is not.  I am different. I am a new version of my old self.  I like her.  She is true to who I am and want to be.   I’m becoming GOD’s ME every day He grants me. 

  For all the widows and widowers I won’t meet let me share this with you:

• You and your random feelings are important and healing
• Keep breathing
• Time is what you make of it (slow it down, speed it up – it’s still ticking)
• Don’t beat yourself up for laughing
• Prepare for wanting to be loved again
• Watch outrageous purchases – because money still doesn’t grow on trees
• Protect that inner child that needs you
• Not everything is important
• I hope that you will find that hugger that will give you that so needed embrace that will cause your insides to want to quiver and let you know you are not alone and that you will be able to move through this

My heart and prayers embrace you tightly!

I  Love you,

Anita